Mother-Out-Law

Some people have a mother-in-law, but I reject that term in favor of mother-out-law, which I feel is much more descriptive of the relationship that I have with said individual. Our relationship is made especially mucky since we disagree on most things. Now, I must note that I am quite capable of "agreeing to disagree". In fact, my mother and I have forged quite a close relationship based on that very concept. However, my MOL prides herself on "speaking her mind." It's obvious to the most casual observer that it's never occurred to my MOL that all of us would like to "speak" our minds. The downside to "speaking one's mind" ad nauseum is that it pisses other people off to no end. Since angst with her keeps cropping up in my life lately, I have to get at least some of this out of my system, yo. So, without further ado, I present to you:

Favorite Quotes from my Mother Out Law

"Laurie, you just are incapable of understanding some things since you'll never be a mother" ~ circa 1997, the height of my infertility treatments

"A came from China, N came from Korea, and C, well he came from God." ~ a line she frequently likes to trot out when introducing my kids, when she can remember what countries I adopted the first two from, anyway.

"Well, no one is going to listen to Laurie, since she's never satisfied with anything anyway."

"They couldn't get pregnant because Laurie was just so big so she finally lost her weight and they just got pregnant all of a sudden. But I always knew the infertility was her fault, yes I always knew it."

"You know, you should consider having the contractor install more lights in your bathroom, so, you know, your eye makeup won't be so heavy." ~ just to note, MOL is rather, ahem, uptight about makeup, but no one has ever accused me of slathering on the war paint, by any means. How heavy can one coat of mascara be? Trust me on this.

"N just looked deformed when he was a baby, what with all that hair and how hugely fat he was" Me: "I think N was a beautiful baby." MOL: "NO, he looked deformed. I was surprised there wasn't something wrong with him."

Now, what she says is not to be out done by the things that she forgot that she wasn't supposed to say. For example, although she knows that I'm "in the closet" about my gastric bypass, she (early on) "forgot" that fact. And, since she "forgot" once, she now feels that she should be able to talk about it all the time, to whomever she wants. Because, you know, she forgot so why the hell should she remember now. And let's not fail to mention about how she forgot that we weren't telling people about my pregnancy with C during the first trimester. In fact, she got so mad that we weren't telling people that she forgot and accidentally told the entire family. And when I say accidentally, I mean, out of spitefulness on fucking purpose.

Gah, just typing this list has caused me to consume nearly half of an entire box of Girl Scout Peanut Butter Patties (which were called Tagalongs when I was a wee Brownie, but that is a story for another time). My friend Kathy (who has a MIL who rocks) says that this is teaching me lots of good lessons, for when I myself will be a mother-in-law and so now I will be all the better for it.

Whatever.