Adoption After Infertility, as Explained by a Crazy Woman
Karen of The Naked Ovary poses some dilemmas that have been lurking in the depths of her very soul. Rather than constipate her comments section with my incessant chatter, I decided to provide my own feedback here. Keep in mind that this prattle originates only from my personal experience as the mother of a couple of Asian kids, and that I am not a mental health professional (HA! That was some funny shit, right there, eh?)
So, here goes:
Q#1: Will I be able to handle saying "she's adopted" every time a stranger/friend/acquaintance asks me what is up with the fact that my daughter is Chinese and I am not? Honestly, this just doesn't come up much at all for me. Now, I was a smidgen flabbergasted at the number of strangers who automatically presumed that my daughter was the result of an illicit union between myself and any Asian man who just happened to be in my same zip code. That misunderstanding doesn't happen so much now. I also don't feel obligated to explain my familial connections to any freakin' body if I choose not to. I always tend to err on the side of NOT violating my kid's privacy. But to respond to the bigger issue that this question alludes to is: YOU will have to handle the fact that your kid IS adopted. You will not just have to Handle It, but you will have to be Completely Okay with it. You will have to break the mindset that saying "she's adopted" is a bad phrase, but rather come to consider it as an everyday state of the union. Which it will be.
Q#2 Will I be able to walk into a Baby's R Us, which I am terrified to be near (like it's some huge neon monster) and not cry? Ah, yes. Your checking account, credit cards, and your parents' credit cards will all cry for mercy. You, however, you will be lost to baby shopping bliss.
Q#3. When will I feel the right to buy baby stuff, to even talk about the fact that I will have a daughter? I'm sure this is personal to everyone. For me, once dh & I opened the purse strings to write that mongo check that goes to your agency & to China (or, used to go, it's been awhile, I'm sure procedures have changed) along with your completed dossier, it was a done deal. Our hearts and minds were focused (with a never-again-attained laser-like precision) on that baby girl waiting for us in China. And yes, we decided, she would deserve the best that Babies 'R Us could offer her. And more. So, so, so much more. The timing was similar for my best adoptive mom friend as well.
Q#4 When will I no longer feel like a fat, infertile failure? (Note that I am paraphrasing here, Karen herself was actually much more poignant and eloquent): This is a Tough One. Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that adoption nor gastric bypass nor pregnancy nor any form of medication the pharmaceutical industry has yet to crank out has helped one damn little bit with the issue of betrayal by my own body. Why me? Why my husband? Why you? Why not that crack whore who beats her twenty-nine kids from twenty-nine dads? Why not her, damnit?! It's been said everywhere that adoption will cure childlessness but not infertility. If you can learn to accept that, things will work themselves out, family-building-wise. Body-betrayal wise, though, it's not so easy.
Q#5 When will I deal with the sense of parenthood-unworthiness and be able to get down with the parenting discussion and interaction with my parenting peers? I worried about this quite a bit. I worried that I wouldn't be a good mom and that other parents would instinctively sense this about me and pity me, since they would know that good parenting abilities couldn't really be expected from me since my kid was adopted. I'll be blunt and tell you that this paranoia didn't go away real quick-like. In fact, my daughter was so unhappy and so grief-stricken and so ill in the early days following her adoption, I was terrified that Chinese officials would "repo" her, since I was so obviously an unfit mother. But as my parenting skills improved and my daughter bonded with her new family, this vanished completely.
Q#6. People email me and tell me that their adoptive babies made "almost all" the pain go away. Honestly, it's not my adopted children's job to make my pain go away. In my opinion, you will be better off if you don't expect that to be the kid's job (child labor laws and all that). It's the kid's job to be a kid and my job to be the best mom I can be, while dealing with my own issues of infertility/pcos freakishness. I'm presuming that the moms in question here are referring to the concept of grieving for the pregnancy they didn't get to experience (and I think that too many times this loss is overly minimized. It shouldn't be, 'cause it does suck). I dealt with that at the time by remembering that my daughter's birthmom had her share of pregnancy trauma, too, thereby keeping in mind that it wasn't all about me. The "not all about me" attitude isn't one I generally cultivate, as I like to be fairly self-centered the majority of the time. I'm kind of shocked that worked for me, but it did.
Q#7. Will I ever stop inadvertantly glaring at women that seem to have all the fertility in the world wrapped up in their womb with a big fleshy bow? Yes. You will be way too worried about food allergies, developmental milestones, creating a lifebook, and potty-training. You think I am joking but I am not. Suddenly, Gerber vs organic vs homemade baby food issues seem incredibly, vitally important. And, they are.
Q#8 What if adoptive daughter yells at me, "You're not my REAL mom, so I don't have to listen to you or even love you!"? She's probably gonna. Regardless of where your kid comes from, it's gonna go thru adolescence and that's going to suck your ass. You'll do what any other mom does: if the phase doesn't pass, you'll sell the kid to the gypsies. Erm, you'll hit the mother's little helper extra hard. Uhm, I mean, sign the kid up for a lobotomy. Or yourself. Or both of you, thereby getting great family rate. Oh, no, I really mean, you'll get counseling. For whoever. And you'll deal.
Q#9 On feeling all alone in a vast world of fertiles: "You are not alone" (sung in creepy Michael Jackson musical tones, oh wait, that's not appropriate at all). Is there an adoption support group either through your agency or otherwise? A local FCC chapter near you? This always helped me out. And I'm presuming you've entered the cesspool known as the APC? It's tetchy, and moody, and whiney, but you definitely won't be alone. During the wait for my daughter, my best adoptive mom friend and I formed our own adoption support group, that's how damn lonely we were. Ya know what? It rocks.
Q#10 Bad mom fears relating to the fact that adoption wasn't one's first choice: As a chick who has wanted to adopt internationally since the age of 15, I don't have solid footing on this one. But I do want to point out that being proactive and recognizing potential problems is a great parenting tool. Showing that you're sensitive to issues surrounding your child's adoption is an awesome start. A wise friend once told me not to make my infertility issues into my daughter's issues. I think that sage advice applies here, too.
If anyone is considering adoption after experiencing infertility, I would highly recommend the read Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It's not the be-all, end-all, but it's a very good start.
God, but all that sharing has worn me out.
So, here goes:
Q#1: Will I be able to handle saying "she's adopted" every time a stranger/friend/acquaintance asks me what is up with the fact that my daughter is Chinese and I am not? Honestly, this just doesn't come up much at all for me. Now, I was a smidgen flabbergasted at the number of strangers who automatically presumed that my daughter was the result of an illicit union between myself and any Asian man who just happened to be in my same zip code. That misunderstanding doesn't happen so much now. I also don't feel obligated to explain my familial connections to any freakin' body if I choose not to. I always tend to err on the side of NOT violating my kid's privacy. But to respond to the bigger issue that this question alludes to is: YOU will have to handle the fact that your kid IS adopted. You will not just have to Handle It, but you will have to be Completely Okay with it. You will have to break the mindset that saying "she's adopted" is a bad phrase, but rather come to consider it as an everyday state of the union. Which it will be.
Q#2 Will I be able to walk into a Baby's R Us, which I am terrified to be near (like it's some huge neon monster) and not cry? Ah, yes. Your checking account, credit cards, and your parents' credit cards will all cry for mercy. You, however, you will be lost to baby shopping bliss.
Q#3. When will I feel the right to buy baby stuff, to even talk about the fact that I will have a daughter? I'm sure this is personal to everyone. For me, once dh & I opened the purse strings to write that mongo check that goes to your agency & to China (or, used to go, it's been awhile, I'm sure procedures have changed) along with your completed dossier, it was a done deal. Our hearts and minds were focused (with a never-again-attained laser-like precision) on that baby girl waiting for us in China. And yes, we decided, she would deserve the best that Babies 'R Us could offer her. And more. So, so, so much more. The timing was similar for my best adoptive mom friend as well.
Q#4 When will I no longer feel like a fat, infertile failure? (Note that I am paraphrasing here, Karen herself was actually much more poignant and eloquent): This is a Tough One. Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that adoption nor gastric bypass nor pregnancy nor any form of medication the pharmaceutical industry has yet to crank out has helped one damn little bit with the issue of betrayal by my own body. Why me? Why my husband? Why you? Why not that crack whore who beats her twenty-nine kids from twenty-nine dads? Why not her, damnit?! It's been said everywhere that adoption will cure childlessness but not infertility. If you can learn to accept that, things will work themselves out, family-building-wise. Body-betrayal wise, though, it's not so easy.
Q#5 When will I deal with the sense of parenthood-unworthiness and be able to get down with the parenting discussion and interaction with my parenting peers? I worried about this quite a bit. I worried that I wouldn't be a good mom and that other parents would instinctively sense this about me and pity me, since they would know that good parenting abilities couldn't really be expected from me since my kid was adopted. I'll be blunt and tell you that this paranoia didn't go away real quick-like. In fact, my daughter was so unhappy and so grief-stricken and so ill in the early days following her adoption, I was terrified that Chinese officials would "repo" her, since I was so obviously an unfit mother. But as my parenting skills improved and my daughter bonded with her new family, this vanished completely.
Q#6. People email me and tell me that their adoptive babies made "almost all" the pain go away. Honestly, it's not my adopted children's job to make my pain go away. In my opinion, you will be better off if you don't expect that to be the kid's job (child labor laws and all that). It's the kid's job to be a kid and my job to be the best mom I can be, while dealing with my own issues of infertility/pcos freakishness. I'm presuming that the moms in question here are referring to the concept of grieving for the pregnancy they didn't get to experience (and I think that too many times this loss is overly minimized. It shouldn't be, 'cause it does suck). I dealt with that at the time by remembering that my daughter's birthmom had her share of pregnancy trauma, too, thereby keeping in mind that it wasn't all about me. The "not all about me" attitude isn't one I generally cultivate, as I like to be fairly self-centered the majority of the time. I'm kind of shocked that worked for me, but it did.
Q#7. Will I ever stop inadvertantly glaring at women that seem to have all the fertility in the world wrapped up in their womb with a big fleshy bow? Yes. You will be way too worried about food allergies, developmental milestones, creating a lifebook, and potty-training. You think I am joking but I am not. Suddenly, Gerber vs organic vs homemade baby food issues seem incredibly, vitally important. And, they are.
Q#8 What if adoptive daughter yells at me, "You're not my REAL mom, so I don't have to listen to you or even love you!"? She's probably gonna. Regardless of where your kid comes from, it's gonna go thru adolescence and that's going to suck your ass. You'll do what any other mom does: if the phase doesn't pass, you'll sell the kid to the gypsies. Erm, you'll hit the mother's little helper extra hard. Uhm, I mean, sign the kid up for a lobotomy. Or yourself. Or both of you, thereby getting great family rate. Oh, no, I really mean, you'll get counseling. For whoever. And you'll deal.
Q#9 On feeling all alone in a vast world of fertiles: "You are not alone" (sung in creepy Michael Jackson musical tones, oh wait, that's not appropriate at all). Is there an adoption support group either through your agency or otherwise? A local FCC chapter near you? This always helped me out. And I'm presuming you've entered the cesspool known as the APC? It's tetchy, and moody, and whiney, but you definitely won't be alone. During the wait for my daughter, my best adoptive mom friend and I formed our own adoption support group, that's how damn lonely we were. Ya know what? It rocks.
Q#10 Bad mom fears relating to the fact that adoption wasn't one's first choice: As a chick who has wanted to adopt internationally since the age of 15, I don't have solid footing on this one. But I do want to point out that being proactive and recognizing potential problems is a great parenting tool. Showing that you're sensitive to issues surrounding your child's adoption is an awesome start. A wise friend once told me not to make my infertility issues into my daughter's issues. I think that sage advice applies here, too.
If anyone is considering adoption after experiencing infertility, I would highly recommend the read Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It's not the be-all, end-all, but it's a very good start.
God, but all that sharing has worn me out.
posted by ~L @ 11:24 AM
3 Comments:
At October 4, 2004 at 7:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Laurie, this is such a great post. So many of these things ring true for me & what I have read. Especially #6-- not making your infertility your adopted child's problem. I think for most of us the grieiving process is vital. I agree, Irwin's book was pretty good.
So many of these fears can be answered through reading and meeting others (such as you and FCC moms) who are on the same path, but further up the road.
Anyways, thanks for the post.
marla
At October 5, 2004 at 5:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Thank you so much for your post. It means a lot that you would take the time to comment on mine, and in such an eloquent and honest and kick-ass way.
Thanks again...I'll be sure to read more about your situation, and learn from it.
Karen/Naked Ovary
At November 16, 2004 at 4:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
right on! I totally agree with you on all points and probably wrote most of the same things in my private emails to Karen. I just discovered your blog via her's and I'll be a regular!
Virginia
aka mortimersmom.diaryland.com
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