Insightful missives from various disgruntled body parts

Dear Laurie:

You thought you were soooooo sneaky regulating the hormones on us, what with your fancy schmancy gastric bypass and the oh-so-potent glucophage and the ever-powerful spironolactone and the stifling heat of Yasmin. And the supplements, my God, the endless supplements--did you have to add in the magnesium and the green tea? We'd come to expect the fertility drugs to try to pump us up, but instead, you went and shut us down. Yeah, you really thought you were such hot shit. Those ultrasounds that weren't focused solely on us were quite emotionally painful. The dildocam is supposed to zero in on US--the lumpy, the bumpy, the freaks of nature. The trips to the gyn to discuss issues other than our cystic powers was hurtful, really it was. We realize now we'd been spoiled by the RE. The lack of attention was emotionally painful to the extreme, but we somehow survived.

Now listen up, and listen but good. We let you have the pregnancy (taa--hope you enjoyed the pre-eclampsia and the bonus prize of HELLPS), and we mostly kept quiet. You've had your fun, and meanwhile, we were plotting our revenge, girlie. We'll be a fool for your meds no more, ya hear?

You thought those meds had us beat down? Ya think that pregnancy got the best of us? There's a new game in town now. In case it's slipped your attention, we've returned to power. We'll running rampant now, and no, that cyst pain ain't all in your head, girlfriend. Yasmin has no power over us whatsoever. You will pay, by God, you will pay with your very blood. Daily. You will, in fact, own every fucking product Kotex manufactures. You will also maintain a healthy yet rapidly depleting stash of ob tampons in a variety of absorbencies, to be used wherever and whenever we see fit.

Don't you try this crap again. Neither Dr. W or Dr. V is a match for us and you know it. We will not be made fools of. We know where you live. Resistance is futile.

Hate,

The Ovaries
Bad as We Wanna Be


Dear Laurie,

Please, please give in to the ovaries. Whatever their demands--they're bleeding me dry in here.

Warm regards,

Uterus
p.s. Give my regards to the Fetus Formerly Known as Cletus. I do miss the little guy.


Dear Laurie,

We regret to inform you that we will never be returning to our former position, as we were in rather close proximity to each other. The pregnancy introduced us to the fact that we are much happier the further we are apart. Way, way, way apart. Thusly, we have decided to permanently relocate, about 15 miles away from each other. We suggest that you buy bigger jeans to compensate for this fact.

Truly,

HipBones


Laurie:

Where the hell is the loofah? When you were pregnant, we could accept the fact that it was difficult to bend over to reach us. The c-section bought you a few extra weeks of slack. However, now you've gone too far. We suggest you get familiar with the business end of a pumice stone or we can't be held responsible for our actions. Let's just say you get a super deluxe pedicure speedy-quick like, and no one will get hurt.

Left & Right Foot