Fun & Games

So, LAF wrote an excellent commentary on a fabulous new board game offering. Feel free to check it out, as my blog will still be here when you're done with the eye-rolling, bird-flipping, lunch-losing fun of it all. While LAF was incredibly original and creative and thusly made up her own board game, me: not so much. I'm thinking that the good folks at Baby's Birth Benefits mean well, but they seem to be bumbling about under the assumption that all of us are Fertile Myrtles who just glide effortlessly through our glowingly uncomplicated pregnancies. Since LAF's blog has already done a very fine job of disabusing them of that notion, I thought I might could clue them in 'bout a few more of them there game cards they must've overlooked. Now, I'm not all about scaring the pants of the expectant momma-to-be, but if this is to be an educational resource, it is sadly lacking. I just wanna round this offering out a wee tiny smidgen. So naturally, I'm going to be a generous soul and help out in the deficient areas.

Here ya go:

Problem: Dr. can't find baby's heartbeat. Maybe it's too early or maybe you have no baby or maybe the dingo ate your baby. Schedule another ultrasound for next week.

SO: Move back 1 week

Problem: Dr. says your blood pressure is so high, you're at risk of having a seizure. Offers to write letter so others will "be nice to you" (Dr. will definitely take offense to you uttering the word "assclown" at this point, so try not to.) Dr. assvises you to "avoid stress".

SO: LOSE 1 Turn

Problem: At 33 weeks, the Dr. says you're having waaaay too many contractions. Sexual activity could very well throw you into pre-term labor.

SO: Hubby LOSES all turns for the rest of the game. And he'd better not bitch about it, if he knows what's good for him.

Problem: Dr. says that you're still having waaaaay too many contractions at 33 weeks. So keep your fat ass in bed, girl.

SO: Move ahead 3 weeks, oh hell, make that 4 weeks--this baby could come at any time.

Problem: OB says your bp is now way too fucking high. You will need to deliver baby soon.

SO: Move ahead 3 weeks. And hurry up about it, before you have a stroke.

Problem: Perinatologist says your bp is fine, it's your ob that's screwed in the head. You don't need to deliver baby soon.

SO: Move back 3 weeks.

Problem: Oh wait. You've got HELLP syndrome. The baby does really have to come out, like now. No, really. Like in the next 2 hours.

SO: Automatically move to the end of the game.

And what pregnancy board game could be complete without some IUGR babies, babies with birth defects, and preemie babies added to their mix of bundles of joy that are "delivered". Ya know, in the interest of making learning about pregnancy fun and all.

As usual, I'm here to serve.