That's Ms. Manners to you . . .

Around my office, we have a spontaneous event known as "Food Day". No, it is not a national holiday, but several of us enjoy the occasion, and yes, even look forward to it. On Food Day, each office member brings a favorite snack item to share, usually such foodstuffs are homemade but can be purchased if they are of good quality. Some of our favorite items to consume often include homemade brownies, tortilla roll-ups, cheese ball from the deli down the street, a box of doughnuts from the bakery, a still-warm homemade coffee cake. Not a hard concept to understand, no? Recently, it's been brought to my attention that, evidently, there needs to be some sort of laws governing Food Day. A framework needs to be established, if you will. A pall has been cast over this formerly joyous occasion, and that is truly a shame. I will set about to rectify the situation.

And so ladies and gentleman, I offer you:

FOOD DAY ETIQUETTE

1. If you don't bring a snack, then you are not allowed to gobble down other people's offerings on food day. Ya can't play if ya don't pay. Get outta our trough. No excuses.

2. A jar of peanut butter with toast crumbs in it, a half-eaten bag of stale potato chips, the leftover sandwich from your lunch, a hunk of cheese that you've cut the mold off of = all of these are fine examples of what does not qualify as a valued contribution to Food Day. These items are generally considered trash, not snack food.

3.A. If your own personal contribution to Food Day has leftovers, naturally you should feel free to take them home to share amongst your beloved family members. You should not feel free to pack up everyone's leftovers to take home to share amongst your own family members, meanwhile gleefully noting that you "will not have to cook supper now". Nonononononono.
3.B. Likewise, please do not leave your Food Day offering leftovers to fester in the fridge, growing hairier and more pungent with each passing month until somebody else pries it from the fridge and disposes of it for you. Snacks are not like fine wine, they do not improve with age. When it doubt, through it out. Your mother does not live here. And other shit like that.

4. If you are a habitual "non-contributor", then please stop scheduling Food Day. You don't get a vote. Once you get up off your lazy ass and bring a snack, then you can play God. Not until. Got it?

5. Please bring your food in. Clean. dishes. only. CLEAN. 'Nuf said.

The management thanks you for your cooperation in this matter. We now return to our regular broadcast schedule.